You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
