you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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