May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
