i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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