Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
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