she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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