"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
