I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
How naked do you want me to be?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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