you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
