Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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