You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
