the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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