the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Is Oprah even human
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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