wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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