Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
