i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
