Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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