worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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