apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
