I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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