I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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