tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
