He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I want to be your penis for a week.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
