Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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