I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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