So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
