Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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