I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
