your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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