Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
