You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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