I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
