don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
