Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
