I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
