I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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