I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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