the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
