A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
