my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
