this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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