gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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