Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
two words...techno handjob
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
