Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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