I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
