checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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