I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
