i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Found your dick twin last night
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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