His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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