I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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