What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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