toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
