I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
