Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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