In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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