She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
